Life and the Power of Forgiveness
By Oluwole Solanke PhD, FCIB
We carry our wounds like invisible armor, believing they protect us. Yet with each unhealed hurt, each unresolved grievance, we add another layer between ourselves and the life we were meant to live. Forgiveness, often misunderstood as weakness or surrender, stands as one of the most transformative forces available to the human spirit.
The Weight We Carry
Every day, millions of people wake up carrying resentments from yesterday, last year, or decades past. A parent’s harsh words. A friend’s betrayal. A partner’s infidelity. A colleague’s sabotage. These experiences shape us, certainly, but they need not define us. The question isn’t whether we’ve been hurt—we all have—but whether we’ll allow those hurts to write the rest of our story.
As Lewis B. Smedes once observed, “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” This profound truth reveals forgiveness not as a gift we give to others, but as a liberation we grant ourselves. When we refuse to forgive, we become bound to the very person or moment that caused us pain, reliving it with each remembered slight, each rekindled anger.
The Misconceptions That Keep Us Stuck
Many resist forgiveness because they misunderstand what it requires. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. It doesn’t require reconciliation with someone who continues to harm you. It isn’t about excusing inexcusable behavior or pretending the hurt never happened. You need not wait for an apology that may never come, nor does forgiving mean you’re saying what happened was acceptable.
Martin Luther King Jr. understood this distinction deeply when he said, “Forgiveness is not an occasional act; it is a constant attitude.” It’s a posture we adopt toward life itself, a decision to release the corrosive power of bitterness before it consumes us from within.
The Science of Letting Go
Modern research confirms what spiritual traditions have taught for millennia. Studies show that people who practice forgiveness experience lower blood pressure, reduced anxiety and depression, stronger immune systems, and improved heart health. The act of forgiving quite literally heals us. Conversely, holding onto anger and resentment floods our bodies with stress hormones, contributing to a host of physical and mental ailments.
But the benefits extend beyond the physiological. Forgiveness opens emotional space for joy, creativity, and connection. It redirects energy once spent nursing grudges toward building the future we desire. As Anne Lamott writes, “Not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die.”
The Courage to Begin
Forgiveness rarely happens in a single moment. It’s typically a process, sometimes a long one, with advances and retreats. Some days you’ll feel you’ve moved past the hurt; other days it will feel as fresh as ever. This is normal. Healing isn’t linear.
Start where you are. You might begin by simply acknowledging your pain without judgment. Feel it fully rather than pushing it away. As Oprah Winfrey reminds us, “Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.” This acceptance doesn’t mean resignation but rather a clear-eyed recognition of reality as the foundation for moving forward.
Consider writing a letter you never send, expressing everything you feel. Speak with a therapist or trusted friend. Practice compassion meditation, extending goodwill even to those who’ve harmed you. Small steps matter more than grand gestures.
Forgiving Yourself
Perhaps the hardest person to forgive is the one you see in the mirror. We hold ourselves to impossible standards, replaying our mistakes and failures, convinced we should have known better, done better, been better. Yet self-forgiveness might be the most essential forgiveness of all.
Maya Angelou offered this wisdom: “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” You made choices with the awareness, resources, and emotional capacity you had at the time. Beating yourself up for not having wisdom you hadn’t yet acquired serves no one, least of all you.
Extend to yourself the same compassion you’d offer a dear friend facing similar circumstances. You are human. You will make mistakes. The question is whether you’ll let those mistakes become permanent roadblocks or temporary teachers.
The Ripple Effect
When we forgive, we don’t just transform our own lives. We change the emotional ecosystem of everyone around us. Children who witness forgiveness learn resilience and emotional intelligence. Workplaces where people can acknowledge mistakes and move forward become more innovative. Communities rooted in forgiveness rather than retribution build stronger social bonds.
Desmond Tutu, who helped guide South Africa through the Truth and Reconciliation process, understood forgiveness as essential to collective healing: “Without forgiveness, there is no future.” The same applies to our personal lives. Every relationship, every dream, every possibility for joy requires us to periodically release the past’s grip.
Moving Forward
Life will continue to present opportunities for hurt and disappointment. People will let you down. You’ll let yourself down. Circumstances will feel unfair. The practice of forgiveness doesn’t eliminate these experiences, but it does prevent them from calcifying into permanent bitterness.
Choose forgiveness not because others deserve it, but because you deserve peace. Choose it not once, but again and again, as often as necessary. Choose it knowing that every act of letting go makes room for something new—new relationships, new possibilities, new versions of yourself.
As Frederick Buechner beautifully expressed, “Of the Seven Deadly Sins, anger is possibly the most fun. To lick your wounds, to smack your lips over grievances long past, to roll over your tongue the prospect of bitter confrontations still to come, to savor to the last toothsome morsel both the pain you are given and the pain you are giving back—in many ways it is a feast fit for a king. The chief drawback is that what you are wolfing down is yourself. The skeleton at the feast is you.”
The alternative to that feast of bitterness is the freedom of forgiveness. It’s available to you right now, in this moment. Not as something you must do, but as an invitation to put down a burden you were never meant to carry forever. The life waiting on the other side of forgiveness is lighter, brighter, and more fully your own.
